confusion enough

when the mind turns inwards to observe itself, it can be modeled with a mild variant of ouroboros, the snake that eats its own tail. in my version ouroboros is a dude snake, his name is oury, and he is tasting his own tail (instead of eating it). also, he has the odd ability of being able to make his skin taste like whatever he wants. this model has the following component meanings:

ouroboros – consciousness
head – the witnessing or observing aspect of consciousness
tail – the witnessed or observed aspect of consciousness
taste of the skin – state of consciousness

note that oury is not two separate snakes – he is one. in the same way, the observing aspect of the mind may seem separate from that which is being observed, but it’s not. to “observe one’s self” is just a technique – not a true separation of self into two parts.

so how does a snake get to be tasting his own tail, anyway? the very first stage of the meditative path occurs when oury decides he would like to taste his own tail. at this point, he is to short to taste his own tail. he stretches his tongue out and tries, but he cannot reach. the stretching, however, is an exercise and oury becomes longer. this is the second stage of meditation – the continuous attempt.

finally, there comes a point where oury is pretty much long enough to form a circle – the third stage of meditation. he runs his tongue over his own tail and… discovers that the taste is not so great. in the metaphor it is clear that oury should be able to change the taste of his own tail, being in charge of it. but in our consciousness, this does not seem to be the case (at first). when you meditate and observe your own fears, anxieties, angers, &c, you do not have the understanding that the observer and the observed form a continuum of consciousness – you do not yet understand your own power in determining who you are.

this is why meditative instructions always insist on the importance of attitude. in particular, equanimity: you (the witness or observer) must stay balanced, kind, impartial. you must not be perturbed by what you observe, nor must you judge or reject it. why is this so important? because the observed and the observer are one! the tail and the head are connected. when the tail tastes like spoiled ranch dressing, the head does too. but when the head practices creating the taste of fresh baked bread, the tail must also change its taste.

feeling afraid or angry is a bad habit. it feels automatic and out of control because it has been in place for so long. by creating an artificial distinction such as observer and observed, you are in effect creating the opportunity to practice being in different states of consciousness. while the observed stays afraid and angry, the observer is free to try to be loving and accepting. if someone said “ok just stop being angry and be calm,” you would probably get even angrier and might punch them in the stomach. but the instructions “just observer your angry and let it be there” are doable, because nobody is asking the angry person to vanish (which would invalidate the anger and make it worse), but merely to co-exist. it’s a lesser task, but a doable & effective one.

after a lot of practice, the observer masters being loving and accepting regardless of the state of the observed. then, whenever the observed becomes unruly, all you have to do in response is enter the observer state-of-mind, which is just another way of saying “meditate.” when the observer becomes more powerful than the observed, the observed must follow the observer. it is a shift in the power dynamics of consciousness. when oury learns how to make his head taste like fresh bread, the tail is sure to follow because he is just one snake.

what i just described above is the practice of self-awareness. self-consciousness, on the other hand, is an unskilled version of self-awareness. instead of observing the self with kindness & patience, self-conscious observation is all about fear and judgment. and so, when you observe yourself with fear & judgment, the observed learns to embody fear & judgment, thus making everything worse.

where do our self-observation habits come from? the reflexive property of consciousness is inherited from others. we are not born with the ability to observe ourselves. self-reflection is learned when we, as children, observe others observing ourselves. this is akin to two snakes being locked together, each one tasting the tail of the other. as a kid, you watch your parents watch you. if they look at you with kindness and patience, you eventually transfer that attitude to your own observer when it is finally cemented in early puberty. you inherit your parents’ (& others’) attitudes towards you no matter what those attitudes are.

none of these attitudes are fixed. they are just initial conditions that you have to work with. you can practice observing yourself with new attitudes, day by day, and you will find that change is possible. just make a sincere effort to see yourself in a certain light, and that light will steadily become brighter and easier to establish.