confusion enough

howdy. i am in the last few hours of a 10 day retreat at the santosh puri ashram, between rishikesh and haridwar.

it has been good. i took a bhagavad gita course here. mataji (the woman who co-founded this place) has all the students sit in a circle, and then she speaks about the gita – it’s a kind of meditative lecture. the first few days, i tried to listen as i do in class – with directed, awake attention. then (and mostly by accident), i started to meditate. the nature of the lecture changed. it was almost as if i was listening to her with my subconscious mind, and it is that mind that is better able to receive and process messages about faith, g-d, and spiritual practice (instead of batting them aside). even though i have been practicing being open, my critical brain is still very active. listening to lectures about the joys of faith is hard for me, but apparently not so hard for my deeper self (whatever that means).

i do not have any ready-made conclusions to report. the path of faith is complementary to the meditative concentration & awareness path. i am still exploring it, and finding that i have very major blockages to faith, even though i would like to have more of it.

i am going to myanmar/burma on the 13th. not sure about the quality of internet there. i will spend a day or two in yangon, and then head to the pa auk monastery, for a 2 week meditation retreat. there might be no word from me for a while then!

happy holidays!

delhi is not as bad as they say. i stayed there for a few days, and was lucky enough to arrive the day before ‘Mind & Life XXII’ – a conference organized by the dalai lama, featuring various scientists and spiritual luminaries. i got to see (live) b k s iyengar present extensively about yoga (very enlightening), and watched (on a projection screen) him have a conversation with the dalai lama about differences and similarities between the yoga path and the dharma path. it was excellent.

upon first arriving in delhi, i headed down to the diplomatic enclave to apply for a burmese visa. there is a new, nowhere-written policy – travelers heading for the first time to burma must wait a month for their visa. a month! – instead of the 2 days i was quoted by email. the magic OM umbrella that seems to be hovering above my head continues to help me, however. some minor convincing got them down to a 3 week estimate (so i could have the visa before my already-scheduled & purchased departure date), and then when i asked if i could pick up just my passport (which you need to travel around india), they said “come back in 3 days.” i came back in 3 days, and lo! the visa had been issued. i didn’t get the full story as to why, but the man in charge of the visa decisions was apparently in the hospital =(, so someone else decided that it was ok for me to have a visa. i go to burma on dec 13th and will be staying at the pa auk forest monastery for a while before beginning general travel. hoping to do at least 2 weeks of training.

i am now in dharmsala (mcleod ganj, actually), which is the home of the tibetan exile government. it’s lovely here – alpine forests, momos for 10 rupees, and more yoga & ayurvedic places every 5 feet. we’re at ~5000 feet elevation, so it’s a bit chilly. i bought a blanket and walk around wrapped in it like the wide-eyed mystic-in-training that i feel. i’ve met MANY gurus, psychics, and astrologers at this point. i’m still at a loss to summarize my experiences, but they have been powerful and intensely interesting. as i travel, coincidences & synchronicities pile on top of one another and reach crescendos that i cannot ignore or explain away. i actually have to actively choose not to, as my rational brain has always been on exhausting overdrive. it is good to let the creative, intuitive brain do some work and see where it leads. when i think the universe is trying to lead me somewhere, i try to take the hint. and the results have been amazing so far. it feels as if the world is opening up to me. the more i let my gut talk, the louder it gets. and the louder it gets, the more i can hear it. my gut knows way more than i do, but it can’t explain anything that it knows. self-trust is the name of the game.

tomorrow or the day after i go to rishikesh for a few days, and then to santosh puri ashram, where i will do a 10 day yoga retreat. then, goodbye to india.

drop me a line and tell me how your lives are! very regularly, i miss everyone.

i got up at dawn, and went to see the taj as lit by the weirdly beautiful sun/pollution glow. i went in there with the vague story i misheard somewhere that the taj mahal is a monument to love. i didn’t know this but the taj mahal is a huge mausoleum.

this caused a number of problems. as i was walking around, i felt very much as if the whole place had a veil of sadness around it, and i couldn’t figure out what was going on. was i feeling down and projecting it on the most beautiful building in the world? and it certainly was that. i’ve never seen anything so huge be so damn tasteful. the colors are subtle. the proportions were designed to create rest in the eyes. but around the entire peerless structure there is a palpable memory, vast and on display, of something beyond importance lost forever. i felt this and didn’t know what to do with it because i was certain the place was made for love.

then i saw the sign “mausoleum” in front of the main entrance into the building. “oh,” i said.

the taj mahal is a downer – but only if you pay too much attention.

now i’m in rajastan. i have seen jaipur and pushkar so far. jaipur was exhausting but interesting. i met a guru who works at a gem store, and got my life horoscope at the “astrological research institute of rajastan” from a man dressed like a doctor, and who ended up being arrogant and stingy with his astrological powers.

also, i hung out with some elephants, and felt their absolute grandeur & ponderous, kind intelligence. i felt bad that they were chained up. i tried to apologize to them, and got the feeling that they heard me.

pushkar is a tiny town around a holy lake. i got here, in an awesome coincidence, on the day of the start of the annual camel festival. there are tourists, holy men, and locals crowded in everywhere. right outside of town there are thousands of camels, hundreds of horses, and a sprinkling of goats and cows.

camels are much larger than i thought. they’re giraffes, but smaller. they have floppy lips and goofy teeth. camels are obstinate, noble, snooty, and clearly awesome. men with turbans and epic curved mustaches are selling and buying them. everyone has skinny legs. it is bizarre.

tomorrow, i head to udaipur and then to delhi.

varanasi is (according to many) the oldest continuously occupied city in the world. my gut agrees with this assessment. varanasi feels old and dense and unfathomable.

this post is hard to write. i keep starting sentences, but they don’t go anywhere or say anything. there is something mad about one of the holiest rivers in the world (the ganges) being as awfully polluted as it is. and something even madder in the fact that hundreds or even thousands of people bathe in it every morning precisely because it is holy.

ok, i am entering mystical mode, so bear with me.

i’ve been traveling for four months now and one of the chief things i’ve come to conclude is that to be a human is to be built on top of certain paradoxes, and only because of these paradoxes are our lives possible. nowhere is this clearer than in india, and varanasi especially. i don’t have a lot of specific observations or conclusions to draw on, but walking through the city it feels as if a certain humor-possessing turmoil-gnome is always a few steps behind me, hiding behind unruly cows, or crouching in vast trash piles.

this gnome is attempting to tell me something, but i do not speak his language and he has no intention on making his message easy to understand. i am going to have to work for it. i am trying my best.

my intuition has recently become clearer and louder, and, especially in varanasi, this is good. there are many charlatans and babas and gurus and yoga masters, and the vast majority of them are fake and are out only to make a quick buck. to find a genuine expert cultivator is difficult, bordering on impossible. but the holiness is everywhere – even in the endless mosquito parade that is constantly being routed and rerouted to my ankles.

i am not sure if any of that makes sense!

in any case – sarnath, where the buddha preached his first sermon is 10 km from varanasi. it is much more peaceful and pleasant, and i’ve spent a total of 4 nights here now, staying at a guest house run by a german woman named chris. it is called namo buddha, and it is a haven of peace, cake, and herbal tea amidst the area’s honking dust storms (aka autorickshaws). i’ve been meditating a lot and it is paying off in ways that i, again, am going to fail to reasonably describe.

the main point of this post is for me to tell you that i am alive, doing well (if confusedly), and am about to go to agra to see the taj mahal, and then to rajastan.

stay tuned for mental clarity and further posts. also artsy pictures on facebook of the taj. i promise to avoid any obvious shots and will only post pictures of upside-down columns and piles of shoes. (just kidding?)

dear internet family and friends,

sorry for the lack of updates! i’ve had my head in the clouds – literally (i’ve been saving that line). i’m in sikkim, a tiny state in northern india, sandwiched between china, nepal, and bhutan. it’s still monsoon season, and sikkim is a high elevation hilly state, which means i’ve just spent 2 weeks being either in a cloud or eye level with one.

sikkim might as well be a different country. there are fewer hindus than tibetans and sikkimise (i am not totally sure i know what this latter term means). vegetable momos (dumplings) are probably the healthiest thing i eat.

after sitting around the main hub of sikkim, gangtok. for a few days, i met some random other folks and we took off into the jeep-jungle of sikkim. what i mean by this is that we rode (or walked once in a while) on rain-battered roads through high altitude jungles from tiny town to tiny town. it was lovely, bouncy, and oh so foggy.

sikkim is cleaner than any other place in india i’ve seen. there are no beggars, and the children just seem happy. the stray dog population is not at all decreased, but it’s just nicer to be here than other parts of india that i’ve seen (admittedly not many).

i seem to be on some kind of accidental pilgrimage. i stayed at a homestay next to tashiding monastery (see creepy foggy night facebook pictures), and meditated in a nearby cave where guru rinpoche (a serious figure in tibetan tantric buddhism) meditated a long time ago. the cave felt very odd, and made my body tingle in the same way that i felt during the vipassana meditation retreats. i also saw ravangla monastery, and kachepuri lake – a strange, holy lake that was the quietest natural place i’ve ever been to. only crickets and a few birds disturbed it. it felt unsettling, like the lake wanted me out of there.

a guru i met is suggesting that i go back there (alone) and stay for a week, to meditate. the guy is pretty legit – he taught me an interesting meditation (will blog about it later when i understand it better) and described my entire pathology with detail and accuracy i absolutely can’t account for. i have been hanging out at his ashram, and trying to absorb as much as possible. my meditation practice is really benefiting.

traveling is sort of kicking my ass. i am finding myself losing my temper over having expectations that i didn’t even know i had being unsatisfied. example: a lack of promised hot shower at a hotel made me REALLY frustrated, even though the hot-bucket and ladle shower was quite fine. this is good because i’m getting a good solid look at what i take for granted in my life. all the meditation i’ve been doing is putting my emotions on display and showing me where they poke and pinch in the body. it’s good to get to know myself in such details. a little painful, but i have faith it’ll add up to something solid.

this post is kind of scattered and so am i! plans are uncertain for now, but i will likely return to kechepuri lake and do the week-long self-retreat. in this case, i will be internetless for that week. i should be leaving the morning of the 19th.

tomorrow, starting at sundown, is yom kippur. i found another jew, and she and i will be fasting in gangtok until sundown saturday. sunday morning i leave again. more endless jeep rides and more creepy lakes.

i am missing all of you.

after kolkata, i took an overnight train to bodhgaya, which is not so much a town, as a pilgrimage site – the most important buddhist pilgrimage site. it is surrounded by facilities which serve to feed, house, sell to, and beg from tourists. i came during the “off” season. the reason for this is the fat, wild-eyed heat that sits on top of the city like a wild dog (of which there are thousands in india; they comprise a whole species that thrives alongside humans in every part of india i’ve been to thus far). you will hopefully excuse my over-the-top metaphor for the heat, but it really got into my head. and apparently this isn’t even the worst of it. i’m told delhi gets up to 45 celsius in the summer. and damn near nobody has AC.

the bodhi tree (the grandson (sapling of sapling) of the original tree beneath which the buddha sat as he became enlightened) is housed in the back of the main stupa of a temple the likes of which i have never seen. it gave off the impression that the architect deeply understood the idea of a gear, and thought it needed extensive expression all those hundreds of years ago. in any case, the scene was wonderful. buddhist monks from every possible country were there. i saw them doing walking meditation, sitting meditation, singing, chanting, discussing, and just being there. since it wasn’t the busy season, there was room enough to sit in front of the bodhi tree (which was surrounded by a thick cement railing), underneath its unexpectedly huge canopy, and just take in the place.

i don’t really know what to think when people use the word “energy” in ways other than i’m familiar with (aka scientific). so, when i heard folks describe the site of the bodhi tree as “full of energy,” i reserved judgment. and you know what? it does. it thrums somehow. it calls for both quiet and song.

after a few days in bodhgaya, i took another overnight train to darjeeling, which is awesome. the town is splattered all over the sides of a huge hill. again, i came in the wrong season so most of the day darjeeling is enveloped in clouds, clearing up only at night, when you can’t see anything. the roads wind up and down the steep hills, and are full of pedestrians, as well as endlessly honking jeeps. there are tea shops everywhere, and the tea (finally) is made with water instead of milk. you can get a kilogram of REALLY GOOD tea for as little as $20. the weather is much cooler, but very damp (my clothes never quite dry after a wash).

i had no idea, but darjeeling is full of tibetans and ghorkas. there is SERIOUS political unrest. darjeeling belongs to the indian state of west bengal, but the locals want their own state. there are signs of “WE WANT GORKHALAND” on every shop. apparently, not a single person in town has paid the electric bill in 3 YEARS. for complex reasons, the electricity isn’t totally shut off. the lights do, however, go off between 7 pm and 930 pm every day. i am not sure if the last 2 facts are related or not. nobody seems to know exactly why things are happening the way they are. protests and strikes are common. water gets turned off at random, and, when the rainy season ends, it is trucked up from lowland rivers and costs a lot.

but darjeeling is just lovely. strolling throgh the winding roads, amidst high elevation jungle, you’re liable to come upon a tibetan refugee “self-help centre” (in which handicrafts are made and sold by tibetans), or maybe a japanese buddhist or hindu temple, or perhaps a tea plantation. apparently, the views are amazing when the clouds are gone (october through december), but i like it as it is – misty, unmappable, lung-testing.

best darjeeling moment so far: playing chess on the street with the chess-dudes at 8pm. it’s the middle of the dark hours, so the board is lit by my headlamp. the games are fast and careless, and we are roughly evenly matched, except i am much younger and over-excitable, so i tend to lose due to silly blunders. so fun!

next, i head to gangtok, which is the main hub of the state of sikkim. not sure what i’ll do there. going to try to visit a monastery for a ~week long meditation self-retreat, or maybe i’ll do a mini-trek between some of the smaller towns.

a coherent account of kolkata is difficult. a list of unrelated observations:

- poverty is so omnipresent that it started to seem ordinary after a day.
- there was a lizard in my bathroom this morning.
- trafficwise, there are no lanes – ancient taxis, 3 wheeled mini-taxis, rickshaws, and brightly colored buses are all honking continuously for reasons and at targets i can’t discern. crossing the street is a faith-based act.
- street food is everywhere, mostly vegetarian, and super tasty. it’s also cheap – you can gorge yourself for less than 50 rs (about a dollar).
- the monsoon season is still happening, and so it is hot & humid (not as bad as beijing). the malaria medicine (doxycycline) i’m taking warns of heightened photosensitivity, so i walk around with an umbrella i found.
- the smells oscillate between grotesque and delicious.
- i have never seen crowding like in the metro here. there is only one line.
- i suspect the taxis were made at least 30 years ago. they are hella rickety.
- the evidence of british colonialism is interesting. there are crumbling victorian buildings (all occupied by poor people, of course) all over the place. the victoria memorial (built ~100 years ago) is a huge museum in the middle of kolkata’s equivalent to central park – the maidan. the memorial looks like it was airlifted out of london (where i have never been).

i’m staying at the mahabodhi temple, and have met some cool visiting monks (one of them chants into a microphone all day long) who have invited me to visit their temple in sri lanka. my original plans for burma are starting to look doubtful because (apparently) you can’t stay at a temple without a meditation visa, and i basically can’t get one while traveling. maybe i’ll go to sri lanka instead?

in any case, next i head to bodh gaya (thanks warner for the advice!) to see the bodhi tree under which buddha was enlightened (more like the grandson of the original tree). then, i am off to sikkim.